Our nights in miami have been for a lack of better words "an epic sampling of all the local beverages". my liver has been paddled to keep up with "the mr." and on our last morning in miami i had a hangover that i haven't seen since the 90' s (the las vegas trip had nothing on this bad boy)! after a comical few nights people watching (at a local hot spot "the clevelander") with people doing more grinding then dancing (FYI...undies are apparently optional). ohh, on a side note, i personally feel that the bartenders should just stick a straw in a bottle of hard booze and serve it instead of free pouring it into a glass, then refilling it five minutes later…just a thought of convenience. the "news cafe" has been our after eats place (also recommended by the locals), we witnessed a dine and dash, the owner chases them, the chick clocks him, police show….all for a cranberry and a coke beverage…wow! best part, the CSI crime unit arrives with camera in hand to take pictures of the crime scene…i couldn't even make this stuff up. priceless.
well we finally after four days say a heartfelt "see ya" to miami, as we take off to the cruise ship, which for me was a hell like non other i have felt (remember the epic hangover), i arrive at our cabin in hopes of a MELLOW three days ahead….SURPRISE, while i'm "napping" in the cabin "the mr." is bromansing the dude beside him at the pool, they share pizza and the deal is done...we are having dinner together. i like his girlfriend, this will not end well.
"the italian" and "the puerto rican" is what i shall call them to protect there identities, we hang with these two rockstars all three nights…"the puerto rican" can dance, we are shaking our tail feathers in what feels like a scripted aerobics session, coordinated by the cruise director (who by the way didn't make it big after the mickey mouse club and comments on how he use to know "justin" and the gang...ok that is an out right lie...sorry!). "the mr." has danced more in one night then in our entire marriage. he has been challenged to a dance off by "the italian". "the italian" busts out the notorious "sprinkler" move. "the mr." who is highly competitive pulls out the "running man", it's a hot move by my no rhythm hubby so i quickly announce "stand back ladies", "he's all mine"...in fear of the herds of frisky europeans trying to get a piece of my husband! i'm in no shape for a protective brawl with what i believe use to be a man.
now in our defence, "the mr,' and i, weren't always drinking, we hit up the rock wall on the cruise ship. the helmets were fit for many inappropriate comments. we were both quite nimble at reaching the top, it was mostly fear for me as the lady before was stuck in the middle screaming "how much time do i get up here" (the rope guy, is silent) she then states "i don't give a S***, i'm staying till i get up". i did not want to be her...period!
we stayed low key on coco cay island where we stole shells, got stuck in knee high mud water (screaming), hung out with stingrays (that sounds way cooler then how i behaved, i freaked... i was thinking about the croc hunter!). come to think of it i was yelling a lot on coco cay, we explored the island without any more incident then napped.
we chilled poolside watching a comical "belly flop" competition followed by a "adult only game show in the lounge called "quest" (deceptive title, as in order for our team to win we had to do some random things). they requested six bra's from each team (i took one for the team...awkward!) and they needed some ladies to piggy back their dates..."the mr," is not dainty or light!
the next day we hit up atlantis's water park in nassua, it's apparently known for it's 70 degree drop slide (named the leap of faith) as seen on the amazing race. the slide in which the chick on the show wouldn't go down in order to win the MILLION DOLLAS slide, yep... you see where this is going right. well, "the mr." has his sites on this slide and he invisions me also taking this beast down (SURPRISE). i am kept out of the loop till the line hits the top (umm...what ride are we in line for exactly…"the mr." is avoiding the topic), the park has just opened and we are 10th inline for this slide, i have now coined " I JUST PEEIED MY PANTS SLIDE FROM HELL" (good thing we are in water), i would have added a a few more well chosen "verbs" but i'm TRYING to keep this blog post some what clean. there was a red and green light in place (why?) to ensure people don't kill themselves by going to quickly after someone else..(not a good sign), i'm powerless, i'm thinking it can't be that bad...right? to late to think, the lifegard is telling me to keep my legs crossed and to do the same with my arms. the light goes green……..AAAAAAAAAAAH (blood curling scream) AAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (more blood curling screams)…why bother having your legs crossed when your entire body is two inches off the slide in a free fall drop to what appears to be imminent DEATH ahead. i remember the brochure stating "a scenic slide through an underwater tunnel where you can view the spectacular sharks swimming above you" BULL S****, i almost lost my eye balls while going through the tunnel at speeds greater then a car off a a line in nascar! i should have known when the three dudes before me where waring goggles! the slide ends and i have my suit up my a** and i'm pretty sure someone saw my nipple but no matter... "I'M ALIVE" i scream "I'M ALIVE!!!"…"the mr." makes it down after me howling at my scream worthy of a "nightmare on elm scream number 26 (i have no idea how many of these movies they made but i know it was a lot)". apparently everyone inline got a good chuckle from my carnal fear…how lovely. he then asks "you want to go again"…."F*** YOU" is my instant response. time for the lazy river ride for the next four hours.
in summary, this trip was well needed for me and "the mr." , i'm tired, hungover and about four pounds over on the scales…all worth it for the "bonding time" with the man i met 12 years ago. SURPRISE, i loved every minute of our ("my") (un)planned adventure.