1) wearing snakeskin, tan stiletto heels (also know as pointy grilled cheese…thanks amara, love that 4 year old) from 5:30 am till my final landing time of 8:15 pm with a layover in another city! i know what your all thinking… umm duh? So here me out, i wear frick'n gum boots and sneakers most days. so for starters i thought i would be all "look i'm on vacation… without kids, wearing makeup and shit". besides in my past life i would wear heels all day at work, no joke a would merchandise whole wall sections. I would climb ladders, caring 30lbsof clothing to and from…crap, i should be able to handle a little walking in a few airports. besides, i need to brake in my feet for the week ahead.
(FYI… i just finished hobbling through the chicago airport chanting to myself under my breath "dina walk the blisters, don't let the blisters walk you" )
ok if we are going to be honest, there's yet another more pethetic reason as well…space! i wanted so many big girl shoes that i actually rationalized that wearing the heels will save space vs the flip flops and not to mention weight….the heels were clearly a quarter pound heavier then the flip flops. you see i weighed my bag on my scale at home under weighs everything by 7lbs (which i LOVE by the way). the sucker weighed in at 42lbs + 7 gives me a feeling that I may have to show complete strangers my unzipped bag full of undies and an excessive heel collection at the air port check in. resulting in me having to pull out 20 tank tops to layer on me and cary a ziplock full of bangels for a 8 + hours travel day!!!
PASS, heels your coming with me. ***irony, they never weighed my bag***
2) don't wake sleeping babies at 5:30am…smart right!
big mistake, 6:30am and i received the call from a hysterically crying/hyperventilating 7 year old because i didn't kiss her goodbye. awesome mom status suspended and let the guilt of moms going away for a week begin. funny, i didn't think that would start within the first hour of my journey i was really aiming for my first hangover to kick the guilt in…saidly we can't predict these things!
3) not knowing what hotel i'm staying at?
nope, not joking. i was checking in and the both prompts "type in your hotel"….umm did the mr. tell me where the reservation is (see he's been gone for days already to another conference before we meet up in miami). i stood there thinking, well this sucks but i happened to remember a vage conversation where is said somthing about the fontaine blue hotel but i didn't actually confirm that detail with the mr.…i guess that's where the cab is taking me later…lol! i bet your all thinking call him? but remember i have a pay and talk circa 2005 cell phone (does it even work in the states?) nope. sometimes i wonder why i tell you all this…i'm really not that moronic just not detailed oriented for trips i didn't plan.
here's the montra for the day... it's the journey not the destination!!
4) wearing your finest jewels through security and when i mean fine, i mean your stamped 925 !
i asked the lady if i should remove them but she said proceed through the metal detectors.
BEEEEP, shiiit…i haven't done anything but i feel guilty. personally, i wouldn't enjoy groping people all day long but whatever floats your boat! in the end it was a combination of my bejeweled off the shoulder shirt, the metal buckle thing on my shirt and a bobby pin caused all the touchy feely stuff. i did however restrain from asking the lady if she feels i should lose the 5 lbs i gained or whether she "felt" it was working for me (hold up, with my scale does that really mean 12lbs?, dam halloween)? i'm glad i held off because i fear it would have led to this next question…"while your up there can you check for any signs of rectal cancer"?
security check complete. next stop.
5) aggressively coughing in elbow while talking to the customs agent.
hand sanitizer was not suggested but squirted in hands and proceeded to ask…have you been around farm animals, monkeys etc type questions began. i asked if children fall into the unusual farm animals category and whether husbands who behave like pigs counted, he said no.
6) don't read your boarding pass fully.
i know, i know all of you are detail oriented…shut it . i have issues with following letters and or number directions...period. so yes, i was asked to move by the stewardess to my CORRECT seat…while the plane was full.
7) sleeping while on a flight.
i have the ability to fall asleep whenever i go horizontal within a ten minute time frame …anywhere! i recently fell asleep while upright when i had a 10 minute wait while school let out and with my lack of z's this week you'd think falling asleep on the plane would be well the perfect cocktail for slumber...no kids, lack of sleep, no distractions and hours of travel! NOPE. planes suck. no joke, as i'm typing this the gentleman beside me is teasing me by snoring (as if to say…dina, wouldn't you like to be drooling and irritating your fellow passengers with such a deep sleep). i have seen many people successfully sleeping on my journey today (the drawings below is some of the examples of folks I was able to document, best case options if you really want to try catching a little shut eye on these air buses) I did attemt the "f*** you, i own this window" but something about trying to sleep against cold glass and or textured plastic shutter didn't quite work out.
anyways good luck with that. BTW...if you have a good sleeping position due tell because i'm pooped!
well i hope these not to do tips help you on any future trips you decide to go on, personally i will make a few "revisions" myself for the next time i travel.