the mall experience...
sigh, i fucking hate malls, why? try doing 12 years of retail. yeah i said it, 12 fucking years with a blood sucking corporate company wanting more and more of you for NO EXTRA MONEY.
oh that came out wrong...let me try that again.
i'm grateful for all the life experiences i had through my retail career, without it i would not have realized i NEVER wanted to be owned by upper level corporate dicks EVER THE FUCK AGAIN.
marginally better? right!?
any who, back to malls.
there painful but i needed to exchange some items i bought online. off to the states i go.
first stop
victoria secret
omg, when did it become a night club. good lord i'm getting old. i was looking for people getting it on in the back corner and the bouncer to be breaking it up. there's shiny chrome shit everywhere, half naked pictures and some loud remix music thumping....i went to the counter and almost asked what the drink special was. seeings how i'm getting better with age i kept that one to myself.
she soon crushed me by letting me know that "MY" favourite and only bra i ware no longer is made in my size. WTF. well happy fucking new year to you too victoria.
next
the gap
love the gap, calm colours, friendly staff and the home of the khaki!
BUT i had another reason for my visit "xmas sale jammies" for next year of course! right fucking there i just aged myself by like 10 years.
are you fucking kidding me. these xmas jammies ARE NOT ON SALE... it's january!!!? they have antlers!!! oh, i get it your people follow pinterest and "this" is an all year print sold at christmas. this is BULL SHIT. (eye roll, head shake) moving on.
ambercrombie and fitch
my husband once borrowed a halloween costume made of polyester and didn't try in on till the very last second before we had to be somewhere dressed up. it had a under armpit funk that apparently required axe body spray from shoppers drug mart to mask the smell, 5 minutes before we needed to leave.
ambercrombie you smell like that. axe and funk. together. from the fucking outside of your store. from across the isle. two stores down.
stop spraying that shit on everything in your store.
when i went in, i asked the associate for a flashlight, clearly she gets that a lot! she gave me the side eye and a half smile...you know the one where she's thinking i'm way to old to shop here. Ya whatever barbie, i can't fucking see in here...I'M 40!!
so the XL in ladies was too small for my size 4 body, clearly I need to take up binging and purging. moving on.
bath and body works
the only reason i go to this shop is the 3 for ? hand soap and maybe some 5 for ? mini hand sanitizer...as long as it has a NORMAL smell like vanilla not that frosted cupcake with fucking sprinkle scents that make the car smell like artificial room sprays that gas stations use to coverup peoples pooh.
i go in...
ok, do you know that tween store, the one that has neon vomited all over it with graphics everywhere, reminds you of a sirens but for young girls...with all the clothing being made in a sweat shop in china? (basically a parents nightmare along side of ambercrombie )
yep you guessed it, justice!
well did they fucking buy bath and body works? it has every god dam colour of the rainbow painted wall to wall with a sale on top of a sale sign.
who the fuck does your graphics, FIRE THEM. this is catering to a nine year old and the last time I checked I still had to remind my daughter to wash her hands an or apply hand sanitizer! this is not your target market!
holy shit, i now have attention deficit disorder, i'm doing circles trying to find the soap...like the spinning circles kind. like the pin the tale on the donkey kind, minus the blindfold.
mid spin i spot something that looks like a lemon, it's soap! not the 3 for shit but at this point i'm done, my eye's can't take anymore.
pay and leave.
grab an aspirin. why am i here again, god I hate malls. oh god i'm becoming my mom.
last stop, american eagle
i LOVE american eagle's stuff. all of it. sigh. normality.
NOT.
i exchange my pants for a (ready for it) sz 00 bahaha, bahaha.
oh that's rich, if you have ever seen me in person you will know i'm not EVEN close to this fake size. as a matter of fact ask amara (my six year old) this is what she said about my 40 year old ass....
(me in a thong)
amara: "mom, you bum looks like one of those dogs, you know the ones they have those long cheeks (insert her using hands to show me what fucking dog she is comparing my ass too)
me: "ah... do you mean the hound dog?" "they have jowly jaws, is that what you mean?" (sadly i knew exactly what dog she meant)
amara: (jumping up and down, clapping her hands with excitement) "YES, that's the one, with the jowls...your bum wiggles and hangs like a jowly hound dogs cheeks" (now, she is making a dog face, pinching her cheeks low and shaking. fuck i hate her reenactments...there really quite good.
with that folks i wiggled my jowly 40 year old size oo ass back to canada.
sigh, i hate fucking malls.
