These past two weeks have been an emotional out of my control rollercoaster. The anniversary of Sophie's death is approaching and it seems to creep up on you just like Christmas does...quickly and making you feel unprepared for the event. You think you're all good but really YOUR NOT! You find your self-crying in your car for no other reason than a flood of sadness has overcome you. The annual local windstorms set your emotions on its own tsunami storm of memories, remembering when the power went off four years earlier only to hear about your daughters best friend dying from meningitis days later.
This was the platform for my month. Topped with being pushed into an oversized vehicle purchase that I never wanted in the first place but was forced to buy in order to get our boat back into the interior for the summer. Then having to deal with family issues (not mine) but his and it affects all aspects of my children and husbands happy place.
I've been truly feeling out of control emotionally, the later two are certainly first world problems really but none the less, this is what I know and it was foreign to me. Being forced to deal when I don't want to deal or manage it or confront it!
I'm done. I wanted my power back, some power, some control.
My hair has been long for 8+ years. It's an attachment problem more then it should be but I think that stems from childhood and my Portuguese upbringing where girls had long hair. I cut it off at 25 and it was such an amazing feeling to say FUCK YOU HAIR and all that you stand for...hertitage expectations, femininity, fitting into the norm. Cutting the hair off at 25 was cleansing to say the least.
Today I called my hairdresser and by the universes grace, she had a cancellation at 3 pm. I took the spot and when I arrived I said: "cut it off". It's time to take control back. No one own's me, no one controls me and to this, I cut my hair off and it feels so good.
It's fucking hair, It grows back whenever I want but today it stands for me taking back the emotions I can't control, today cutting my hair is me saying FUCK YOU ALL. I may not be able to control outcomes but I can control how I look and feel. I own me. I will always own ME!
This is one small step to making sure that "nobody puts baby in a corner", EVER. Lol, I love that line from dirty dancing! I'm in love with my hair cut and it may last or it may not. Either way, I win today and that is all that matters.
Check out Bonnie at Crush Hair Co., She's been my hairdresser since 2005!
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