it's officially the last day of amara's preschool before entering kindergarden, her wonderful teachers are doling out hugs and a bag full of their "best" art work from the past years activities. i'm taking pictures (shocker!) and it dawns on me, that this was it, that there will be no more "mommy, i want ham for lunch" or "mommy, can i play with sofie after preschool today" and "mommy, can you give me a cuddle before we pick up che' from school". my time as a "stay at home mom" was officially ending... sigh (tears are flowing, the ugly kind...the ones that require a large napkin, the kind that requires explanation to all the other mothers who are holding their shit together with no problems!). how did these five years go by so fast?, how did you turn into a little lady a without me noticing it, how! where was i when the diapers changed to "I can wipe myself" and from finger food to rolling out dough!? i feel like it's one of those evenings where you lay on the couch to watch a movie, you close your eye's for just a moment only to awaken to the credits...this is how i feel today, on your last day of being a preschooler. don't judge folks, i'm a sappy kind of gal and as much as my children can drive me insane they are also my center, my gravity, my way of seeing the world as unflawed...my love for them is indescribable.
motherhood has been by far the toughest job i've ever signed on to. when i was pregnant, the choice was simple... stay & work from home! this way i would be at every event, get pissed when they forgot their lunch for the "second time" that week, to have them know that at least "i their mother" would be available 95% of the time...i guess most of all to provide a feeling of security and being grounded. never once did i think the work /stay combo would be so challenging, it has been the most exhausting three years of my life! i've lived a double life, mommy by day and photographer by night along with weekends.
i thought i was ready? ready for you to be in full time school, to give me some nights off...to work more during the day but i can't lie, i will miss your mid day cuddles and our very interesting conversations while i'm trapped in the car with you. particularly, the one about jail and jesus! oh how i loved to watch you play quietly after preschool, listen to your absolutely mind blowing dialogue between poly pocket and barbie's dog!
you've been ready for kindergarden since you were three but personally i'm a wee bit sad (i guess the alberta sized river of tears didn't give it away) for my loss. my story is changing, my day will be less amazing with out you (i never thought i would feel this way)! yet, i can sit here and type with absolute certainty that i don't have any real regrets, my choice to stay home with you was the right one...i have always been around for you, we've gone on wild adventures, traveled to many parks, played at the ymca more times then i care to remember, play date after play date, endless book readings on a very cozy couch on a rainy day and oodles of one on one activities! even so, i can't help but feel sad. my chapter is ending. i have to start over just like you. the only difference is your ok with your script and i'm asking the author to go back and do a rewrite on mine.
why is change sometimes so easy and other times SO hard, perhaps to build character and resilience...well did anyone ask me if i wanted a bucket full of change this morning, NO! but since i'm a firm believer in the saying "life is not static" i will except this chapter of life (with tears) and title it "i blinked".
for all you amazing mothers working from home, working moms and the amazing stay at home moms, at the end of your chapter try to have no regrets...let the dish's sit, read that story one last time, NEVER EVER turn down a cuddle. time goes too fast.
well my little sausage, my littlest love... i'm proud of you and all that you've become...a big girl (even though i asked you not to when you were two years old and you promised you wouldn't!)
congrats on "writing" your first chapter of life, oh the places you will go....
love your emotional hot mess of a mother!
