SURPRISE (the summary)

Our nights in miami have been for a lack of better words "an epic sampling of all the local beverages".  my liver has been paddled to keep up with "the mr." and on our last morning in miami i had a hangover that i haven't seen since the 90' s (the las vegas trip had nothing on this bad boy)!   after a comical few nights people watching (at a local hot spot "the clevelander") with people doing more grinding then dancing (FYI...undies are apparently optional).  ohh, on a side note, i personally feel that the bartenders should just stick a straw in a bottle of hard  booze and serve it instead of free pouring it into a glass, then refilling it five minutes later…just a thought of convenience. the "news cafe" has been our after eats place (also recommended by the locals), we witnessed  a dine and dash, the owner chases them, the chick clocks him, police show….all for a cranberry and a coke beverage…wow!  best part, the CSI crime unit arrives with camera in hand to take pictures of the crime scene…i couldn't even make this stuff up.  priceless.

well we finally after four days say a heartfelt "see ya" to miami, as we take off to the cruise ship, which for me was a hell like non other i have felt (remember the epic  hangover), i arrive at our cabin in hopes of a MELLOW three days ahead….SURPRISE, while i'm "napping" in the cabin "the mr." is bromansing the dude beside him at the pool, they share pizza and the deal is done...we are having dinner together.  i like his girlfriend, this will not end well.

"the italian" and "the puerto rican"  is what i shall call them to protect there identities, we hang with these two rockstars all three nights…"the puerto rican" can dance, we are shaking our tail feathers in what feels like a scripted aerobics session, coordinated by the cruise director (who by the way didn't make it big after the mickey mouse club and comments on how he use to know "justin" and the gang...ok that is an out right lie...sorry!).   "the mr."  has danced more in one night then in our entire marriage.  he has been challenged to a dance off by "the italian".  "the italian" busts out the notorious "sprinkler" move.  "the mr." who is highly competitive pulls out the "running man",  it's a hot move by my no rhythm hubby so i quickly announce "stand back ladies", "he's all mine"...in fear of the herds of frisky europeans trying to get a piece of my husband!  i'm in no shape for a protective brawl with what i believe use to be a man.

now in our defence, "the mr,' and i, weren't  always drinking,  we hit up the rock wall on the cruise ship.  the helmets were fit for many inappropriate comments.  we were both quite nimble at reaching the top, it was mostly fear for me as the lady before was stuck in the middle screaming "how much time do i get up here" (the rope guy, is silent) she then states "i don't give a S***, i'm staying till i get up".  i did not want to be her...period!

we stayed low key on coco cay island where we stole shells, got stuck in knee high mud water (screaming), hung out with stingrays (that sounds way cooler then how i behaved, i freaked... i was thinking about the croc hunter!).  come to think of it i was yelling a lot on coco cay, we explored the island without any more incident then napped.

we chilled poolside watching a comical "belly flop" competition followed by a "adult only game show in the lounge called "quest" (deceptive title, as in order for our team to win we had to do some random things). they requested six bra's from each team (i took one for the team...awkward!) and they needed some ladies to piggy back their dates..."the mr," is not dainty or light!

the next day we hit up atlantis's water park in nassua, it's apparently known for it's 70 degree drop slide (named the leap of faith) as seen on the amazing race.  the slide in which the chick on the show wouldn't go down in order to win the MILLION DOLLAS slide, yep... you see where this is going right.   well, "the mr." has his sites on this slide and he invisions me also taking this beast down (SURPRISE).  i am kept out of the loop till the line hits the top (umm...what ride are we in line for exactly…"the mr." is avoiding the topic), the park has just opened and we are 10th inline for this slide, i have now coined  " I JUST PEEIED MY PANTS SLIDE FROM HELL"  (good thing we are in water), i would have added a a few more well chosen "verbs" but i'm TRYING to keep this blog post some what clean.  there was a  red and green light in place (why?) to ensure people don't kill themselves by going to quickly after someone else..(not a good sign), i'm powerless, i'm thinking it can't be that bad...right?  to late to think, the lifegard is telling me to keep my legs crossed and to do the same with my arms.   the light goes green……..AAAAAAAAAAAH  (blood curling scream) AAAAAAAAAH   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (more blood curling screams)…why bother having your legs crossed when your entire body is two inches off the slide in a free fall drop to what appears to be imminent DEATH ahead.  i remember the brochure stating "a scenic slide through an underwater tunnel where you can view the spectacular sharks swimming above you"  BULL S****,  i almost lost my eye balls while going through the tunnel at speeds greater then a car off a a line in nascar!   i should have known when the three dudes before me where waring goggles!  the slide ends and i have my suit up my a** and i'm pretty sure someone saw my nipple but no matter... "I'M ALIVE"  i scream "I'M ALIVE!!!"…"the mr." makes it down after me howling at my scream worthy of a "nightmare on elm scream  number 26 (i have no idea how many of these movies they made but i know it was a lot)". apparently everyone inline got a good chuckle from my carnal fear…how lovely.  he then asks "you want to go again"…."F*** YOU" is my instant response. time for the lazy river ride for the next four hours.

in summary, this trip was well needed for me and "the mr." , i'm tired, hungover and about four pounds over on the scales…all worth it for the "bonding time" with the man i met 12 years ago.  SURPRISE, i loved every minute of our ("my") (un)planned adventure.

SURPRISE! (part one the journey)

it's been five years since "the mr." and i have gone away by ourselves (and by ourselves i mean no children for longer then a 48 hour period or a vegas conference!)…it was suppose to be cabo to celebrate a friends 35th birthday but plans changed and "the Mr." had to plot another adventure for us instead.  I've never been the trip organizer in our family, i just don't give a s*** as long as it's warm and i can drink!  so a week goes by and he enters  my office and announces "miami and a three day Bahama cruise" grumble, grumble and leaves, i "the mrs"  is pleased. I'm so uninvolved in the planning process that if we got parted on the way to the airport i would literally not know what airline i'm traveling on, when or where we are staying…lol.  it's kind of my sick special SURPRISE vacation, perhaps stupidly dangerous as well, whatever it always works out.

so with minimal guilt i leave my monkeys with the in laws (thank you B and K) i supplied them with a fridge full of chicken & veg, large bottle of advil and a grocery list of  "what the hell the girls are doing this week" we hit the road!  to be honest the girls were like see ya, with no tears or drama (not sure if thats a good or bad thing, no matter, i'm free at last).

rumour has it were traveling to seattle first in "the mr.'s" new ride (which i thought he was going to get a hot little two door, nope, freak'n same car in a newer model! really? why bother).  we make it with only an hour to spare if that and all goes smoothy in catching our "red eye" flight (BOO by the way but again when your not the planner, SURPRISE!). being small SUCKS because I go middle seat, here's the reality i feel bad for the dude beside me for two reasons first i sleep with my mouth wide open (pretty sight) and two i fart (enough said).

part two down, we hit Miami at 7 am which is 4am our time…check in is at 4 pm (SURPRISE).  breakfast it is.  we hit up the hotels restaurant and well i clearly have been watching to many "kitchen nightmares episodes" because this meal (which sort of sounded good at the time) was a disaster fit for Chef Ramsey fork pick a part and his commentary of disgust. i eat the eggs and few well thought through bites, breakfast is complete.

well, we have a day (7 hours) to kill  before we check in and we have our third child with us (my camera bag), my new mac book pro and "the mr.'s"  iPad to babysit.  pool side it is.  we slumber in the heat for hours, that lazy slobbered summer sleep that makes you feel hungover with out having a drink kind of sleep!  personally i enjoy having towel marks on my face and body, why you ask because it means i had NO CHILDREN to interrupt me (i wear them with pride around the pool to fetch a pinacolada)!  I'm not going to lie i spot a cute little muffin at 6 o'clock, i'm trying not to engage eye contact…dam it, to late.  my mind now wonders to how this little sausage reminds me of amara.  i have my mommy moment**sigh** and I'm back to my  inappropriate behaviour in a place where no body knows me. hooray!

i love people watching, thinking and trying to figure out where people are from, why they would get THAT tatoo of cookie monster on their hip and from a distance looks like a large birthmark.  my favourite poolside pastime is listening to other peoples conversations…BEST THING EVER.  who needs cable, seriously.  as a mom i so get this conversation i overheard "so guys, when moms on "vacation" (she is totally using this term loosely. we are never on real vacation with little kids) and you start to NOT listen, mommy starts to get mad, really mad..this is MY VACATION TOO".  lol, i'm pretty sure i've said that myself on vaca!

well 4pm has arrived, the suite rocks.  now the real fun begins...