everyday you drift into my thoughts, so far it's been 363 times, tomorrow it will be 364 and the day after it will be a year.
you are always there... like clouds in the sky, wind through a window, a smell of coffee in the air, an image you pass everyday. always there. always.
you linger in me. somedays i smile at your memory, some days i shake my head (did this really happen and in the why's of it all), somedays i live in the guilt of having my little girl here beside me while you are no longer able to be and other days i linger in the space of your mother and her reality of never being able to smell you and love you with her touch... those days are the worst.
sometimes i speak to you, out loud. "i know your here, watching over us...sending us butterfly's"
the everyday thoughts build up in me like a stacking of cards from a deck, eventually the cards will crumble. i rebuild. then repeat the process.
when you passed, you gently and lovingly stole little pieces of everyone's hearts, to be honest you already had a piece of mine. the whole will never fully heal, only enough to keep us moving forward. slowly.
the moment you left us sophie, you became our teacher. and i (along with many others) have learned in these 363 days to live (more so) in the now and that tomorrow is a gift and to be unbelievably grateful for it.
this week i (and all of us) relive the days leading up THAT moment, the reality of what all of our lives would be from that email on. i hate THIS, i hate how it makes me feel, i hate thinking about your family right at this very second and what they are living through this week. i just hate it that i can't take your mom's pain away. i hate that i can't take amara's pain away.
BUT on day 365 i will walk with your family and village, together united, bring light in where there is darkness, honour your day one with love, memories and sorrow. and maybe just maybe HATE a little less going forward.