They call them aftershocks, a smaller earthquake following the main shock of a large earthquake.
when she died two years ago today, the aftershocks of this event are still being felt. they are still causing damage where you least expect it to. they are not reported or documented per say but we are all trying to rebuild from rubble. from broken pieces.
the aftershocks come in different forms. fear is mine. death hangs their in my thoughts. fear of my people passing away come and go daily like the tides. i do not linger there as i know it's not healthy but i have no control when the aftershocks will strike. for amara it's come in so many forms. she can't commit to a best friend, she can't get close to her in fear that she too will leave her. this breaks my heart. saddens me to the core. she tells me it isn't fair. she's scared of the dark. she asks when i will die. and she can't "turn off her brain at night".
we silently know each others thoughts, she knows i can't predict what will happen. this event has stripped her of feeling that parents are her super heros. she knows i have no armour, i can't protect her, or me, or us. she knows i'm at the mercy of something else, bigger then our soul filled bodies. sometimes when her brain doesn't turn off she just needs me to just lay there with her and in those moments, spooning my baby, i wish this could all be different. but like the original earthquake, you can only rebuild with what you have.
remembering with so many tears today Sophie.