we wait all year for this. the boat is packed, music is LOUD and were charging down the lake on a mission of creating a good time with cabin friends and blended drinks (courtesy of the magic bullet & the canadian tire power inverter). the wind is sweet & fresh in fragrance, i've always thought gain should make a detergent smelling of the lake, they would call it "CABIN f'n FRESH". the air is so warm, it's shocking at this speed and we are gliding smoothly along in this fish bowl of nature. surrounded by the beauty, the ridge of trees float on the skyline, it totally reminds me of how children cut paper. jagged, yet perfect. at this moment nothing could be more de vine, nothing... till that song comes on.
interesting how a song can make you think and feel, perhaps it's because i was in that surreal place, that place that allows you to think deeper, create more...almost meditative. it sounds like heaven through the speakers, being song by all. that song very quickly became the shovel digging in the hole of my emotions. sharp and hard it pries it's cold lyrics in my soft newly turned sadness. without warning it's shovelling and spewing my emotions all over the unexpecting boat riders.
greg's on to me. i can see he's putting the pieces together in that high functioning brain of his. his face has changed, he knows.
swallowing is hard and it starts to feel like i'm getting punched in the inside of my throat. it's like that dam broken faucet in my master bath, the water is running and i'm try to turn it off but the handle keeps spinning. i can't stop thinking of her and her mother.
robotically i wipe every three seconds...will this ever stop? fuck, this song has never affected me like this, why now?
the song ends as we arrive, with all the other boats trailing right behind us. i'm trying desperately to keep my mannerism's the same along with the tone of my voice and if anyone asks i will tell them "no i'm fine, i just got some wind in my eye's". head held low, i put myself back together.
the day would continue as planned. joyful and memory keeping. she never left me that day as i watch my now 6 year old play.
greg has never played that song since.