life for most of us is like being on auto pilot, just functioning with highs and lows but mostly we feel our lives are hectic (or at least i do). sadly, we are so far "in it"(life that is) that we lack the ability to step "out of it" and get a needed new perspective on our own lives...
i was informed via text message that a couple we know were involved in a very serious car accident resulting in the lovely female perishing on impact.
upon reading this i PAUSED. so still, i could hear my heart.
it felt as though the words i had just read lept up and slapped me in the face, HARD. totally stunning me and taking my ability to breathe away. in its place came burning uncontrollable streams of tears.
***********i always find it interesting how people's live's effect us, i had only met her a handful of times but she left a mark on me. it felt unjust and wrong. i guess you never really know how something or someone will impact you, till it does*******************
then the sobbing began, taking my already horrific texting ability to a near impossible task to respond back to this tragic news. after i muster through and finish "the conversation" i sat there looking at my phone and then it began, THE FEELING...it's like an injection or an IV of sorts. this "antivenin" gives me the ability to do something i'm rarely able to do on my own. i'm literally able to stand up unzip my suit called "life", lay in on the floor and take a good hard look at it.
tears were pouring all over "it", i remember thinking..."is this it, is this the best i can do...is this how i want my life to be". "god, you look impatient, ungrateful and tired this thing called "my life" laying before me".
***********the injection / IV will call it the "antivenin" for a lack of better phrases always enters me in times of loss or deep emotional sadness. it never lasts...perhaps the clinical term or description is fight or flight? regardless of what the "antivenin" really is I wish i had a cupboard full of it. i would stab that miracle in my leg every other week to keep me "in the moment", to keep me seeing and feeling how life really "is" or how its intended to be seen as magnificent not mundane.*******************************
the "AV" was working, it always makes me feel ill. perhaps it's all the sick feelings being brought to the surface of days and or perhaps years wasted...coasting through life and not valuing or really even living it. pushing through the ill feelings i stare at "my life" unzipped, raw and undeserving...i know i have a choice to make. i have the ability to be grateful, happy and to live "in the moment". i can choose to enjoy the small detail, to love my family more...to fucking just STOP. breathe and be grateful for what i have and the people who are with me in this world. because it's a miracle and a blessing to wake up for another day, to see the sun rise, to understand and feel the wait of a moment. these moments are unique and will never, ever come back. we have one chance to live this life and i have the power to choose to live it.
so i picked up that "suit", i began to shake the crap out of it...years of unwanted feelings, reactions and missed moments went flying, making their way onto my hardwood floor and crashing into little pieces. unrecognizable pieces. i slipped "my life" back on... tight, REALLY TIGHT and walked over to my children and hugged the shit out of them.
it's hard to think that anything positive could come from such sadness and tragedy but that night i changed, for the better.
moments are now, not tomorrow or the next day. because life is unpredictable.
(may you walk with the angels and soar with the eagles Catherine...your life did not go unnoticed)